My brain wants me to fail.

I've had this blog in my mind for weeks and weeks now. And honestly there's so damn much that I want to write about that it's all like a cloud of letters swirling and swirling around above my head. 

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But I know I haven't written a blog in quite a while so I'm just like SHUT UP and just write some shit. 

You know what's really hard for me to handle? Crushing on new people. It makes me FREAK the fuck out. Whenever I first started talking to my ex bb, and now bff, Joel -- I was SUCH a spaz. I had just moved to Portland and he was the first conversation that I had with someone on Tinder there. We said like a couple lines to each other and then that was it we were having a date the next day. I was super nervous and the bar we were meeting at was super close so I decided to walk there to try and get my mind off of my nervousness. He showed up shortly after me and we hit it off immediately. We talked nonstop for hours and hours and he ended up taking me to meet some of his friends later that night. We ended up leaving a bar and having our first kiss just outside in the cold December air. We made out for a few minutes and then he walked me back to the house I was staying in.

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Aaaaaaaaaand queue *FREAKOUT* mode. 

I knew little to nothing about this person and I was immediately falling for him, as I do. I fall hard and fast- but this time I wanted to try things out a little differently. So, I tried to relax. For the first week or so I honestly thought that he hated me for some WHATEVER reason. My friends and I even googled him endlessly to figure out any details about him. hahahaha. My friend at the time helped me to "chill" my inner 5 year old self that freaks out with any kind of relationship with a man. And I was mostly able to do so, and not in a way that diluted anything that was a key part of who I was. Because as I've said in previous blog posts-- I am NOT a chill girl. 

Fast forward to yesterday when I was having a conversation with another extremely talented photographer: John Savoia. He said to me "Sometimes you just gotta ride it out. Burn bright for a bit and settle into something approaching normal. You're a vision of energy and radiance. Don't try to be something you're not."

Something about that just struck me deep inside my core. It's so true. So often we get caught up in what society tells us is the perfect partner or the perfect marriage and we forget that we all have our own stories to navigate and learn from. That it's not just just black and white. There's so many shades of grey and I feel like for most non- neurotypical people that's what it is. We are human beings after all. Each of us are made up of energy that are completely unique. So why do we automatically assume that we will have experiences that aren't also unique as well? 

 Photo by @Jacob Jennings

Photo by @Jacob Jennings

 

I'm an intense person. So many years of my life I've been shamed for being that way. I'd say 75% of my relationships failed because I was "too much". Really though, it's okay that they didn't last because damn- I would be M I S E R A B L E with someone who didn't accept the intense loving and caring- would do anything for you- move across the fucking universe for you - side of me. 

 I even looked through old screenshots and pictures and SEE^^^ I'm a spaz. 

I even looked through old screenshots and pictures and SEE^^^ I'm a spaz. 

 The first photo we ever took together. And I even had a cold sore.

The first photo we ever took together. And I even had a cold sore.

People will show you if they are deserving of your love. The tricky part is figuring out if they are worthy of that love. And it's so fucking hard to see red flags sometimes, especially if you have an anxiety riddled brain as I do. Fuck, like, I have seriously went through some S H I T with dating cis men. Where I thought I would never rise up again. To where I thought- that was it- that was all I had to give and I just cant give any more. I mean, I even had moments after dating Joel for a few months that I was like "I don't know if this is meant to be. I don't know if I really want to be with him."
So fun story: Whenever this all came into my head I had already put myself in therapy to try and calm that inner chatter that happens when dating someone new. I went to see David Sedaris one night downtown and I decided to ride the bus for the first time. At the bus stop there was a guy standing there with me and we watched all of the crazy soccer fans/traffic pass by and eventually started up a conversation about it. We talked and talked and then as I was getting off at my stop I said "Look me up-- my name is Amy Jo Wisehart!" and he emailed me, we became friends and I felt SUCH a crush on him. We met up for coffee and I felt so conflicted because I was formally dating Joel at this point. And turns out this new guy, Danny, had a gf as well. But there was some kind of connection so we chatted. I discussed this in therapy--- How is it that I am wanting to throw everything away with Joel because he's showing me less attention? Because I met a nice stranger at the bus stop? 

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I ended up not throwing it away. I talked through it. I realized that maybe the term "monogamy" just wasn't something I could handle. I want to be able to flirt with someone on the bus and go have coffee with them without my relationship being ruined. I want connections and attention from more than one person- because honestly it's a lot for one person to be expected to do. I didn't even end up dating anyone else for a long time but with just relieving that pressure of what society thinks a good relationship is ultimately saved our relationship from failing. We made our own rules and even though it was weird and new and everything it was also so wonderful and I built a level of trust with someone that exceeds any others. 

A lot of people ask me why I'm not still with him. And I get it... you'd think "well if y'all are so perfect for each other then why didn't it work out for forever???" And the answer to that is that Joel and I do have a thing forever. We had different paths we had to take in our lives, but we still talk multiple times a week, we take care of each other, we help each other, and if I ever see him again we will cuddle and show love to one another because we do love each other and it is forever-- it just looks different than what most people are used to. 

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Okay so honestly I feel like this is enough to talk about at this moment-- and I do have SO much more to talk about because I've recently met someone that I'm already in love with, but I'm currently dealing with those new new feelings and still have a lot to process..... and honestly my long ass nails are starting to hurt. hahahah. 

So keep an eye out! I love you all and thank you for reading my words! 

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