All tagged real life
Almost exactly three years ago to the day was when I was lifting up my entire life and moving halfway around the world. I haven’t really talked about it much in detail because it’s a super hard thing to talk about. Was it a rash decision? maybe? Do I regret it? Not sure?
I knew little to nothing about this person and I was immediately falling for him, as I do. I fall hard and fast- but this time I wanted to try things out a little differently. So, I tried to relax. For the first week or so I honestly thought that he hated me for some WHATEVER reason. My friends and I even googled him endlessly to figure out any details about him. hahahaha. My friend at the time helped me to "chill" my inner 5 year old self that freaks out with any kind of relationship with a man. And I was mostly able to do so, and not in a way that diluted anything that was a key part of who I was. Because as I've said in previous blog posts-- I am NOT a chill girl.
This trip was basically a "learn to love the NL again" trip. I was able to find my strength and do things I felt like I could never do whenever I was living there and riddled with anxiety.
Okay so this is where shit gets hard. Because I obviously remember a lot of stuff during this age. A lot of shit happened. I started learning how to deal with my trauma. I realized OH I have anxiety...OH I'm clinically depressed. I got my Bachelors of Fine Arts. I moved across the country. I moved across the world. I had 4-ish major relationships. I loved a lot of people. A lot of people didn't love me back. I was sexually harassed and sexually abused. I made a lot of friends and also lost some of the best ones I've ever had. I worked a lot of jobs. I became temporarily disabled because of a knee injury. I gained a lot of weight. I dealt with a lot of brain stuff. I traveled the world. I published a book. I took nude photos of myself. I shaved my head multiple times.
I was honestly the same as a child as I am now at 30 years old. Not scared to get dirty, naked most of the time, but also loved flowers and being pretty.
I don't really know what else to say except that I'm trying to be a better person, a more whole person. I'm trying to be genuine and real. I'm trying to do the best I can in my life and relationships with other people. But, fuck, somedays it's hard.
