So I'm sitting here forcing myself to just write this damn blog because I've been procrastinating it for much too long. I have had so much to say, yet the words that came into my head wouldn't go through my fingers into the computer screen. I felt like whatever I had to say wasn't good enough, or that no one really cares about the mundane shit that's happening. But, you know what? Today I'm just saying fuck that and I'm going to type whatever the hell I want to.
I've been back in Louisiana now for about 6 months. Wow. I can't believe it's been that long and yet it seems to have FLOWN by. When I first arrived, as you may know, I fell into a deep dark depression. I was slivers away from just giving up. But, I didn't and I'm still here. STILL DEPRESSED THO. But I'm on anti-depressants now that help me through the day to day. Before I was on a Crazy up and down LEVEL 100 roller coaster. Now I'm on a little kid safe roller coaster.
Living back in Louisiana has its up's and down's. For one, it was the easiest and safest space for me to come back to and recover from all of the trauma that happened to me last year. And not to mention I was in a bad place financially because HELLO it's expensive to move out of the country. (Especially with a doggo). For the better part of this six months I've been slightly embarrassed of my current situation, because I'm living in my Mother's garage. I mean, it's cute and everything and it's converted into a little studio apartment thing but, it's still my Mother's house. I mean, I'm almost 31 years old. So there's that. But I'm safe and sound.
Another thing to realize is I live in a town called Cut Off. Yes, it's real. And Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. It's about an hour to New Orleans-- which thank glob. But it's still very secluded from most everyone and everything. I'm basically in a town with one road in and out and the best form of shopping is at the local Walmart. No Starbucks. No Mall. No Target. Just basic fast food chains and lots of cajun food.
Instead of being super super bummed about living here again, I've decided to treat it like I'm living in the woods. I mean- that's where i would want to be anyways right?? So I'm just pretending that my house is surrounded by big beautiful pine trees and I'm in a super moderate climate with no one around for miles. (hahaha) And then when I need to be surrounded by queers/liberals/like minded people I just take the little trek to New Orleans. It's also been nice to reconnect with old friends and family.
Something big that's happened since I've been back is my sister and I have decided to mend our broken ties. We didn't talk to each other off and on for like 1-2 years. We realize that our communication skills with one another are not so good-- so we both have had to take huge steps in fixing that. Sometimes it's still hard as fuck, but it's worth it. I'm glad to have her back in my life. And it helps mend the feelings like all people will abandon me and that there's no such thing as unconditional love. My family has proved to me that love CAN be unconditional, and that I'm worthy of love.
Now as I'm typing this I'm doing the same shit as I was with my last attempt at writing about my time being back.. LIKE OMG THIS IS TOO MUNDANE WHY WILL PEOPLE EVEN WANT TO READ THIS. Of course, I know that it doesn't really matter and DAMMIT THIS POST WILL BE POSTED IMMEDIATELY AFTER I FINISH Y'ALL.
What else have I been doing besides being full of existential dread and self doubt??? lol. Trying to make money and focus on my art, that's what. I've been trying to be as social as possible. Trying to see if there's old friendships that can be restarted and rebuilt. I've started taking photographs again, and I've started painting again in all different kinds of ways. I actually am starting to get into Live Wedding and Event painting! I think my days of wedding photography are over to be honest.
I also got a VW bus?!?!?!?!? So this is crazy because I had honestly given up on the idea of owning one because um wtf they are super expensive. One day I was leaving my sisters house and driving back to my house, and I looked across the bayou and saw a flash of bright teal. AND OMG, there is was sitting for sale in front of a business. I freaked out and called my sister immediately because she knows the business owner, he told me the price and details and it was super reasonable. Like for real I found this perfect bus in Cut Off, LA. How ridiculous?! A part of me feels like it was placed here by my Dad. Like he wants my sister and I to rekindle our relationship and have a bond with each other and that somehow, in the expansive universe, he made it happen. Like somehow it's a sign he's happy and proud of me. (Fear of abandonment is eased a little by this sentiment). I've named it Richie after him, and I'll be making a blog post later on showing all the details and such of me redoing the inside and fixing it up ! EEEEK!
Something else big that's happened?? I've decided to adopt this sweet angel bb, Eve, from my Niece. Sprocket has a hard time when he's by himself, and Eve was in need of a better place to live soooo here we are!
I don't really know what else to say except that I'm trying to be a better person, a more whole person. I'm trying to be genuine and real. I'm trying to do the best I can in my life and relationships with other people. But, fuck, somedays it's hard. Somedays my brain just wants to take over and let loose and freak the fuck out. And somedays that happens. But I'm trying my best and that's all I can really do. That's all that we all can really do. Sometimes it's shit and sometimes it's great-- and that's something we all have to come to terms with.
I suppose this is me signing off for now. I want to be more present with this blog because I feel like it's great to vent my feelings about whatever, is there anything you'd be interested in hearing about?