I lay in bed thinking about where I am. I look over to the right and see the light coming in through the garage door windows. I close my eyes. I open them again and I am looking through the dark blue curtains at our apartment. I see the twilight as the sun sets even though it's 11pm. I close my eyes. I open them and I'm awake in my bed alone with Sprocket in Louisiana. Close. Open. I am in Amsterdam and even though you are there facing the opposite direction-I feel nothing. I feel alone. I am alone. I look out the window again. I wonder what my friends are doing. What my family is doing. How I ended up here? Am I dumb for letting my heart guide me in these choices? Close. Open. Even though I'm alone now, and fucking uncomfortable with my life, it's content. It has promise. It's familiar. I can understand things.
Do I regret my choices? A part of me does. Sure, I want to go through life saying nO ReGRets~~ but who am I or you kidding? Being heartbroken is quite possibly one of the worst feelings you can endure. To have a touch and intimacy with another human being so deep and so personal and then have it all ripped away. All it is now is a bad memory. The good memories are tainted with the oil slick that is who must not be named and it's frustrating. I am in mourning. I am in solitude. I have all the time in the world to think about me and you and us and some days it's almost unbearable.
I finally feel like my heart is on the mend. Like I'm strong and actually doing fine. Then it hits me.
You've even ruined snow for me. Well, not RUIN, but like I said- you're there. You stand in between the falling flakes and my brain and you wave your arms. You scream and yell at throw things. I smile and we walk through the park. Holding hands and enjoying the quiet darkness. And that meets me here in Louisiana, where it never snows. I fell in love with you in the snow. My heart that is in a million pieces and held together by glue gets wet. The snow melts. The pieces start to fall away and I'm exposed. I fall down and fucking beg for the glue to stick. But it won't.
And now the process starts again.