SPOILER ALERT: I'm in a relationship with my ex.

I know, I know. The title makes it sound ridiculous right? Yeah, I thought so too. But turns out that 8 months apart from each other can be eye opening. Because like I said in my previous blog post- hindsight is 20/20.

So before I get into the juicy juicy details that all of you have been so patiently waiting for: a little back story. With losing my Dad at such a young age, then my Step Dad passing away, and never really dealing with any of that 'male in my life figure' dynamic--- I HAVE DADDY ISSUES. But, I mean, who doesn't, amiright?

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Needless to say those issues bled into my relationships. I can very openly and honestly say that it's taken me 31 years of life to finally come to some sort of understanding with my brain and how it works. It was not fucking easy though. I've had to borrow a lot of money, deal with a lot of hard shit, and also do a ton of therapy and be on medication. (All of which I have no shame about). 

The first relationship I've ever had that somewhat worked was the one in Portland with Joel. But, he will tell you that I wanted to break up with him around the three month mark. (Patterns) And it got pretty hard before it got better. He was a very particular human being and he needed a LOT of space so eventually that worked out well for the both of us--- because SPOILER ALERT- space is a must have for me. With the trauma that happened to me at age 5 of losing my Dad-- whenever relationship issues arise my brain does the fight or flight and I literally turn into a 5 year old child. (He, and many others will vouche for this).

 Jol & Sprox

Jol & Sprox

I don't know why but I absolutely love yelling SPOILER ALERT throughout my blog posts. It's fun. Did you laugh? I hope so. I love you.

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Yeah, so this love thing. If you've been keeping up with my blog over the past year you would know that about a year ago exactly I was moving to the Netherlands to be with my new boyfriend, Brett. You'd also know that I had only known him since January 1st. That we met on instagram. You'd also know we had our issues and we were together until October of last year.

You'd also know that our breakup was not so fun. And that's an understatement. It was BAD.

 Depression did not do me well in the Netherlands. Neither did being off of medication.

Depression did not do me well in the Netherlands. Neither did being off of medication.

You're probably wondering... WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BACK IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM? IS THIS FAKE NEWS? DID YOU JUST CLICKBAIT MY ASS?

And the answers are: Because, I'll tell you. No, and No. 

I believe in second chances. I always have. Sometimes that gets me in trouble but most times it leaves me with incredibly bonded friendships. I believe that people can fight and make up. I believe that friendships come with hard work, love, and dedication. That you can try again and go about things in a different way. That sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. 

 Taken the night before I left our home in the NL, 8 months ago when I last saw him.   We were broken up, things were bad-- but, We went to a movie and said farewell, for now.

Taken the night before I left our home in the NL, 8 months ago when I last saw him. 

We were broken up, things were bad-- but, We went to a movie and said farewell, for now.

 Picture of us from about a year ago. 

Picture of us from about a year ago. 

I get it. You're probably still saying "bish, that doesn't answer my question".

What if you try to move on? You try to push this person out of your life? You do everything you're supposed to do. You try to fall in love with someone else. (I'm sorry) You take risks. You forgive and forget and move on and up and blah blah blah. 

What if you do all of that and this one person won't get out of your head? Everything reminds you of them and so you become friends with them. What if you talk to them for a few months to repair the friendship. What if you realize you never fell out of love with them and that all you want more than anything is a second chance? And he feels the same way?

Well, that's exactly what happened to me. 

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With 8 months of time and space and work and distance and all of the other shit-- I realized that I did not want to live another second without having some sort of bond with this person. And this person is Brett. 

 Very inappropriately putting this photo here for laughs. 

Very inappropriately putting this photo here for laughs. 

Nah, this didn't happen overnight either. And frankly I can say neither of us WANTED this to happen because yikes, scary, right? lol Casual talks turned into a friendship. Friendship was bonded. Feelings arose for both of us. And now even though I'm 4500 miles away from him I feel more connected to him than I ever have. I love him 10384920375133219480184 than before. I feel like all of the bullshit and drama and ridiculousness honestly HAD to happen to KICK us straight in the asshole so that we would both wake the fuck up. 

We both did some shitty shit. 
We both take responsibility.
We both have hard evidence of us doing the WERK.

So here's to the future. Here's to listening to ourselves. Here's to not jumping in feet first. Here's to testing the waters multiple times. To being in love. To not caring how far away we are from one another. To friendships. To love. To caring and joy and the bad shit and working through problems and communication. Here's to not thinking everything will be perfect and here's to knowing that the grass is greener on the other side sometimes-- if the love of your life is the rainbow. 

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Because fuck: love is worth it. 


And, no, I'm not moving back to the Netherlands. Lol

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