How do you go about publicly writing about a break up? How do you properly process all of the emotions and drama and shit storm without hurting the other persons feelings? A break up involves two people and it's always important to consider the other persons feelings, at least I .. think it is? Sure, it depends on the situation, but in most cases I think it's important.
I've been kind of dreading this post. Partly because I was in such a "love high" for the first few months of the relationship. I was happier than I had ever been. I fall hard. I love hard. Always been that way. I also talked a lot about my relationship online because I am an over-sharer. I think it's important to over share. (For me personally). Over sharing brings people into your life that you can really connect with. It can give hope to others, or bring light into someones life. There's a lot of pro's and con's but honestly the pro's outweigh the cons so... HERE I AM. Hahah.
It's been almost a full month since my relationship officially ended. But honestly it's been months that I've been miserable. I've mostly kept a neutral facade because I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression--- and I had the guilt in my mind that it was the reason things were bad. As it turns out--it wasn't the case. I also lost friendships because of the decisions I've made, so that made it even harder to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't what I thought it would be. I put myself first before I moved here (and during the move)---and sometimes when you put yourself first others can see it as being selfish. I get it...but it doesn't make it suck any less with losing friendships that meant the world to you. I ripped myself out of my home country and placed myself in the land of the Dutch. No support system. No family. The only thing I seemed to have was the hope of my relationship being something fantastic, and love.
When my relationship started to fail---my mental health deteriorated even more. I felt like a shell of a person. Trapped in a home that I couldn't call my own. I couldn't get a job or a bank account. I realized that I probably jumped too fast, too quickly because the person I fell in love with faded away. But I was determined to give it my all. I took on a lot. I felt even more alone than I ever could have possibly felt and I started to recluse even more. I was 100% in the relationship, but unfortunately you can't force the other person involved to be 100% in as well.
*Side note* The reason I'm making this post is because I know the importance of being honest and truthful online. I have an online presence-- people see my work and read my words... so, personally, it's extremely important for me to not hide the bad, gritty shit. Just as it's equally important for me to not speak about my life with merely emotions and anger.*
When I lived in Portland I learned to love myself. I learned how to love others properly-- I.E. Joel. Joel and I dated for almost two years and we lived together for most of it. He continues to be such a light in my life and I definitely call him my best friend and forever family. He loves me unconditionally. He doesn't personalize my anxiety and depression and he listens. He allowed me to work on myself throughout our relationship. He listened when I was freaking out and picked me up when I was down. I'm so forever grateful for that guy. I'm also so sad that he lives in China now and whoooo knows when I'll get to see him again. Haha! (Hi, Jol!)
A month ago, however, I felt like I had lost that person I worked so hard to build. Everything was so broken and crumbled and seemed so fucked up. I honestly didn't know how the hell I was going to make it to the next day. Like what the fuck was I going to do in a country that I felt like I didn't belong in? That strong ass woman is still inside me though, I know it. She's fighting to get out again. The woman who wouldn't put up with judgements. The woman who wouldn't suffer for the sake of love. The one who wouldn't be silent. #nastywoman
There are three people in particular that I would like to personally thank for being there for me in person. There's many other people that have reached out and helped and listened electronically as well and I thank y'all SO SO much as well... but being in person can make such a difference. I didn't realize until being in a foreign country how much physicality can help.
If you haven't noticed, I'm emotional. I mean, I have every right to be though. I moved 4500+ miles, halfway around the world-- to be with a person I gave my entire heart to-- and then I was broken up with. The idea of me was better than the actual me and it just ended up breaking both of us. I can't even tell you if I want to be friends with said person because the breakup has been so so horribly bad and devastating and ugly. It's very much turned into a "his side vs. her side" of the story type of situation. I am friends with most of my ex's minus one that was addicted to Oxy and was stealing money from me... so coming to the terms with the fact that this may be another I'm not friends with is extremely hard for me. Burning bridges is hard for me in any relationship with another human being. There are people that I think about that I was friends with YEARS ago.. people that I have NO interest in being friends with ever again--but I still miss them.
Something that I'm making a rule for my future? Absolutely nothing less than a 6 month minimum of dating before I decide to live with them. I feel like I'm absolutely scolded from this experience because "love" clouded my mind to see what was really happening. It's the worst feeling when you think someone is a certain way and then they disappear. When there are patterns that exist not only with me. When it's less about accepting and more about expecting. *shrugs*
It really fucking sucks that I moved so far away from "home" and then 6 months later have to move right back. It's financially stressful and fucked up to be completely honest. I felt like I was just starting to get a hang of Dutch life. I thought about trying to make it work in the Netherlands somehow on my own, but honestly I don't think European life is for me.
A part of me wants to regret ever making the choice to move to the Netherlands, but I know that's just the emotions and anger talking and time will make that easier. If there's one thing that's good about living in the NL it's realizing how much I missed and loved living in the States. It's realizing the patterns I create and are recurring in my relationships. Life is fucking hard sometimes, but I will always take the chance because not knowing is worse to be honest. Luckily I DO have a great support system in the States that are there to catch me so I don't fall. So many people have opened their arms and told me that they are here for me and that I'm not crazy. (even though I kind of am). They listen to me vent and cry and be depressed and heartbroken---and still love me all the same.
So, here's to the next chapter, whatever the fuck that may be.
(Spoiler alert: I'm temporarily moving back to Louisiana and then *hopefully* moving back to Portland as soon as I can get back on my feet).